It's been a little while since my last post. So whats happened since then?

Splat has arrived...

She loves her food...

The puppy is still making up his mind about her, but is warming to her slowly..

She is a cute little bugger and everyone that sees her (even those that HATE ferrets) has commented on her cuteness. 

Apart from all this what's been happening? Hmmm... I've been studying my course a bit. Admittedly not as much as I'd first planned. But I've had funner things to do other things on. 

Awesomly, I had a great mix last night with The Mister. We were banging out the tracks. I mixed everything from Breaks to Dark Psy, Hardstyle to well... more Breaks haha. It was alot of fun. 

I suppose I should probably comment on my headspace... It's actually not going too bad. I mean, there's been a few ups and downs... but more ups than downs. And I'm gonna leave it at that before I jinx myself ;)

Happy Days =)

I feel like I've come a long way at least in the last week. A few hiccups here and there but mostly I've been HAPPY and POSITIVE.... and my mind, has been MY mind. 

It's hard to say whether the medication has kicked in already or if it's just that I have moved through 'that phase' for now. It's probably a bit of both but ANYHOW... here's hoping for a little more light heartedness yes?

I enrolled in a design course yesterday. Bit the bullet and finally decided to throw my NEGATIVE hesitant feelings aside and realised I CAN do this.

I can draw...

Maybe not fantastically but I've never had any lessons.. I can learn right?

I have dreamed years away when thinking about how I'd love to get into design but been afraid I won't make it anywhere. Who cares if I don't? I'm doing this FOR ME.

Oh and.. I have a baby ferret coming... to keep me company and amused =) She is only a bit over a month old so I can't take her off her mother yet but I see her nearly every day...

Meet Splat..

 

"Growth itself contains the germ of happiness" - Pearl S. Buck

I've been so up and down lately. Like Yesterday - I drank all day n slept then woke up n drank again. Went to my Mental Health care thingy 'intoxicated' and well... life was just shit. And it all started cuz I woke up and The Mister and I had a little argument about shit all. SO WHAT?! Need to freaking pull my head in already.

Anyways - today I have done HEAPS. Maybe not compared to a 'normal' person. But, I've completely Autumn cleaned the house... smells pretty and all =) Done all the washing including the bed sheets. Spoken with 5 Government organisations and actually gotten somewhere with EACH of them. I've sussed out a course to do and I've taken the top off a few of my other goals too.

I CANT HELP but hope that when The Mister comes home he will see all I've done and give me a big hug and kiss and sit down and tell me about his day and ask me about mine. HA... wake up... ain't gonna happen. Nope he will come home, MAYBE give me a kiss on the head and go kiss and cuddle and play with his dog. Then he will sit down at the computer. And that will be that.

Grrr... I'm such a fucking sook. lol. At least I know it though.

COME ON MEDS N SHIT... KICK IN ALREADY!!

iphone blogging = CRAP but useful when on the go

Not entirely sure what I want this blog to be about - it changes from day to day. Right now.. It's about half an hour until The Mister comes home. I've so much housework left to do. I was doing it but then remembered that I have a mental health community homecare team follow up doovalackey thing tonight AND The Mister has his first game of soccer. And yes. I AM anxious about that. I HATE MY HEAD. Will I have to stay home? Will he ask me to go? If I go will I be the only partner? Will I look like an idiot who won't let her bf out to play? AM I that idiot? The whole med appt thing I took care of and we don't have to go til tomorrow. But.. The Mister and I started out for MONTHS and did EVERYTHING together. Now, bit by bit.. He is finding 'him time' things to do. And it's eating a whole big bite outta 'us' time. And I'm the only one that misses it I know. Cuz I'm the insanely uncrazy one. Gahhh.. Damn the dog for bein asleep on my lap right now. All cute n cuddly and cost like. But I MUST get up and speed clean the house lol. Til later, Ciao x MAYBE AN HOUR LATER ah.. What's wrong with me seriously?! Ice done the housework.. Well most of it.. And I decide to get dressed into some clean clothes instead of dusty, cleaning, 'not-quite-meet-your-man-home-from-work clothes'. So I put on some jeans. But not my old shabby house wear jeans.. My faves. Less because they are comfy. More because they look good. Then.. I proceed to pick a top. But a descent top. NOT a shabby one. Can't wear a shabby top with my face jeans. Then a jacket. Another fave. *looks in the mirror* hmmmm.. Not bad for casual wear I think to myself. *looks at time*. mmmmm... I MAY AS WELL put my face on (makeup) while I'm at it. Just for kicks. Oohh.. It's kinda coldish and a good excuse to sit in my comfy chair hammock n read a book til The Mister gets home from work. I walk past my shoes.... Hmmmmmm.... 'these ones suit what I'm wearing' I tell myself. I proceed towards the door and check myself one more time in the mirror. I make my way out to my chammock with my book and realise... I've just gone and darn set myself up AGAIN without realizing it. He isn't taking me with him. I KNOW this and I agree it's not really a place for me to go chill with him. And I definitely KNOW he isn't gonna tell me I look nice/hot/blah whatever... Cuz he sadly just isn't the type. So why do I still expect any of this as subconsciously as it is? *slaps forehead* And let the over thinking begin... Ciao again for now... *sits back comfortably to concentrate on nothing but the book in her hands for once* *sigh*

LATE THAT NIGHT

Ha - SEE!! The Mister comes home and I casually say, so what time do you think you might be home after football/soccer. H replies, What, aren't you coming with me?" MY BLOODY HEAD GRRRR

(OD DAY) Catch up posts #3 - BEWARE, CONTAINS RAW TRUTHFULL CONTENT

TUESDAY 29TH MARCH 2011

I vaguely remember waking up at around 8 or 9 am on Sunday (I think) and the memories of what I had done only hours before came flooding back. "Oh shit" I thought, "I have to get to the hospital" I have only tiny snippets of time stored in my brain of the events of that day and I can't be sure of which order they occured in.

I remember getting some things together, clothes, my art supplies (heaven forbid I should be without THEM) etc... but I'm not sure if I did this while I was I woke up at 8 or 9am or if I had done it when I woke the first time in the early hours of the morning, while it was still dark and I was behaving like a mad woman with racing thoughts... freaking out and then clearly freaking out my poor boyfriend who woke up to me packing my stuff in order to leave him when he had done nothing wrong. I just wanted to slow or stop my mind. I didnt WANT to kill myself but if it happened in the process I will be honest... I didn't mind. I just had to stop my head. My thoughts which became actions had alreadt caused so much turmoil in the the only thing good left in my life... my relationship. (WHY HE STICKS BY ME I DO NOT KNOW BUT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO HIM FOR IT).

So anyway, wanting to stop MY MIND I began to swallow tablets that had only the day before, been prescribed to me by my GP as a temprary fix to my massive anxiety (they are like valium bu not)... I was meant to half half at a time.. from memopry (as shattered as it is) I think I took about 10 tablets before my boyfriend found me with them in my car and hid them from me (a week later almost... I still don't know where they are THANK YOU MISTER!)

I don't remember much of the next day. I remember waking up and freaking that he had to get me to hospitsl. I din;t remember the car trip apart from him wondering if to call an ambulance. But I didn't want to gain attention from the neighbours or The Mister's pop who lives on this property. I remember I was very wobbly when trying to alk and The Mister helping me. I remember being really frustrated that I couldn't talk to the nurses properly becuzse my speech was so badly slurred and the words just wouldn't come out. I remember being asked the date twice and later being told I had gotten it completely wrong both times. Unfortunately I also remember.... IT DIDN'T HURT AT ALL. Thank goodness The Mister has hidden those meds 'til I need them.

when I finally got to the Psych ward I got to have dinner.. I was starving. The this dude who clearly had more mental issues than me told me he was gonna drop a block of concrete on my head and kept abusing me for being BACK in there as I was meant to join the army?!! Yeah, crazy huh. Poor man. The nurse buzzed the emergency caller thingy, I ran to my room and he continued to lose it... got a little violent etc... and they ook him to ward where he would be more restricted and most importantly... away from me.

I met with 2 doctors and a psycholigist the next day and they said it was 'quite hard to catergorise' my symptoms because I show such a broad range. As per usual they have put it dwn to Borderline Persnality Disorder (with PERHAPS a hint of Bipolar - i doubt it) because of 2 main contributing factors... I have a history of self harm and also, I was sexually abused s a child. Now, I'm not saying I DONT have BPD... but.... what about the other symptoms I have that DONT fit into BPD??!!

It's not a new diagnostic dilemma though... Doctors have been trying to 'CATERGORISE" me for almost 8 years now. each of the many I have see have said I dont fit into just one category. They don't know what it is. So they will just call it:
Borderline Personality Disorder
OR
Bipolar Disorder
OR
Depression & Anxiety Disorder.

They just treat me for one lot of symptoms which aggrivates the other... and so on and so forth.

I must sound like a MASSIVE ATTENTION SEEKER but NO... im not really... I just know myself well enough to know something isn't right and they got the diagnosis wrong.

One doc howver is looking into Anxiety Sypmptoms predominately by the sounds of it. Don't get me wrong the rest of it can be hard but the Anxiety can be crippling at times.

I aso spoke to a Centrelink social worker today about my idea of what I want to do education and business wse and she agreed with me and has arranged for a bit of help for me in doing it. It might take a few years but I WILL GET THERE ONE DAY - I PROMISE!!

The Mister has been in to see me EVERY DAY!! He is soooo supportive. I love him dearly an I love how he loves me so much. Couldn't ask for a better man. He even came in with my mum, step dad and brother on my second day to surprise me. They had driven almost 2 hours!



Ok this is getting way too long now.. so I w ont include all the writings I have done in the last week cuz Im not even half way through them yet lol... (I had a shitload of time on my hands okay?!)

But basically (very) long story short, I gt out after 4 days, and the blogging starts NOW!!

I wanna help people with the same or a similar condition as mine (WHICH HAS BEEN REDIAGNOSED AS "COMPLEX POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" which makes alot of sense - another story for another day - and aso A LITTLE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER which is also caused by siMilar circumstances as C-PTSD)

aww dear alrighty.... over and out for tonight.

x

Catch up posts #2

I WROTE THIS ON 26TH MARCH BEFORE I OD'D

I just want my mind back. I want ME back. I don't want to live like this. I feel like my insides are shaking. My mind is racing. I'm not sad but I cant stop crying. It's like my thoughts are getting faster 'til they aren't thoughts anymore... but just a kind of silent yet so fucking loud noise in my head. I just want to scream or smash something. Not because I am angry but because I just want to stop my mind. There is othing I WANT to do to distract myself. Like something to occupy my mind. It's not like when you lose interest you can't be bothered. It's more that I just can't concentrate. I find myself getting distracted so easily. Even mid-conversation I catch myself looking round. I feel like my movements are (physically) sharper or quicker at times. Jittery?! Sometimes when I m talking I feel like my mind is going too fast for my mouth, or the other way around... I'm not sure.

Catch up posts....

Ok so I need to post some posts that I wrote down when I didnt have the net to give a basic background account of stuff, THEN I'll continue... hopefully with less serious stuff.

HERE GOES:

24th March. List of symptoms I noticed and wrote down for the doctor -
* Reduced appetite
* Crying for hours at a time
* Crying at LEAST once a day, evry day after an outburst
* Irritability
* Irrational Thinking
* Crazy full on 'episodes'
* Neediness
* Increased desire to drink
* Being wide awake after only a few hours sleep (for weeks)
* Racing thoughts (negative)
* No concentration
* Suicidal thoughts (not because of depression but not being able to control my negative thoughts and racing mind.