TUESDAY 29TH MARCH 2011
I vaguely remember waking up at around 8 or 9 am on Sunday (I think) and the memories of what I had done only hours before came flooding back. "Oh shit" I thought, "I have to get to the hospital" I have only tiny snippets of time stored in my brain of the events of that day and I can't be sure of which order they occured in.
I remember getting some things together, clothes, my art supplies (heaven forbid I should be without THEM) etc... but I'm not sure if I did this while I was I woke up at 8 or 9am or if I had done it when I woke the first time in the early hours of the morning, while it was still dark and I was behaving like a mad woman with racing thoughts... freaking out and then clearly freaking out my poor boyfriend who woke up to me packing my stuff in order to leave him when he had done nothing wrong. I just wanted to slow or stop my mind. I didnt WANT to kill myself but if it happened in the process I will be honest... I didn't mind. I just had to stop my head. My thoughts which became actions had alreadt caused so much turmoil in the the only thing good left in my life... my relationship. (WHY HE STICKS BY ME I DO NOT KNOW BUT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO HIM FOR IT).
So anyway, wanting to stop MY MIND I began to swallow tablets that had only the day before, been prescribed to me by my GP as a temprary fix to my massive anxiety (they are like valium bu not)... I was meant to half half at a time.. from memopry (as shattered as it is) I think I took about 10 tablets before my boyfriend found me with them in my car and hid them from me (a week later almost... I still don't know where they are THANK YOU MISTER!)
I don't remember much of the next day. I remember waking up and freaking that he had to get me to hospitsl. I din;t remember the car trip apart from him wondering if to call an ambulance. But I didn't want to gain attention from the neighbours or The Mister's pop who lives on this property. I remember I was very wobbly when trying to alk and The Mister helping me. I remember being really frustrated that I couldn't talk to the nurses properly becuzse my speech was so badly slurred and the words just wouldn't come out. I remember being asked the date twice and later being told I had gotten it completely wrong both times. Unfortunately I also remember.... IT DIDN'T HURT AT ALL. Thank goodness The Mister has hidden those meds 'til I need them.
when I finally got to the Psych ward I got to have dinner.. I was starving. The this dude who clearly had more mental issues than me told me he was gonna drop a block of concrete on my head and kept abusing me for being BACK in there as I was meant to join the army?!! Yeah, crazy huh. Poor man. The nurse buzzed the emergency caller thingy, I ran to my room and he continued to lose it... got a little violent etc... and they ook him to ward where he would be more restricted and most importantly... away from me.
I met with 2 doctors and a psycholigist the next day and they said it was 'quite hard to catergorise' my symptoms because I show such a broad range. As per usual they have put it dwn to Borderline Persnality Disorder (with PERHAPS a hint of Bipolar - i doubt it) because of 2 main contributing factors... I have a history of self harm and also, I was sexually abused s a child. Now, I'm not saying I DONT have BPD... but.... what about the other symptoms I have that DONT fit into BPD??!!
It's not a new diagnostic dilemma though... Doctors have been trying to 'CATERGORISE" me for almost 8 years now. each of the many I have see have said I dont fit into just one category. They don't know what it is. So they will just call it:
Borderline Personality Disorder
OR
Bipolar Disorder
OR
Depression & Anxiety Disorder.
They just treat me for one lot of symptoms which aggrivates the other... and so on and so forth.
I must sound like a MASSIVE ATTENTION SEEKER but NO... im not really... I just know myself well enough to know something isn't right and they got the diagnosis wrong.
One doc howver is looking into Anxiety Sypmptoms predominately by the sounds of it. Don't get me wrong the rest of it can be hard but the Anxiety can be crippling at times.
I aso spoke to a Centrelink social worker today about my idea of what I want to do education and business wse and she agreed with me and has arranged for a bit of help for me in doing it. It might take a few years but I WILL GET THERE ONE DAY - I PROMISE!!
The Mister has been in to see me EVERY DAY!! He is soooo supportive. I love him dearly an I love how he loves me so much. Couldn't ask for a better man. He even came in with my mum, step dad and brother on my second day to surprise me. They had driven almost 2 hours!
Ok this is getting way too long now.. so I w ont include all the writings I have done in the last week cuz Im not even half way through them yet lol... (I had a shitload of time on my hands okay?!)
But basically (very) long story short, I gt out after 4 days, and the blogging starts NOW!!
I wanna help people with the same or a similar condition as mine (WHICH HAS BEEN REDIAGNOSED AS "COMPLEX POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" which makes alot of sense - another story for another day - and aso A LITTLE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER which is also caused by siMilar circumstances as C-PTSD)
aww dear alrighty.... over and out for tonight.
x
